1. How tiny am I?

Decided to start writing blog again after four years, basically because of Kylie that inspired me. I not really know Kylie personally, but I like her, she is best friend of Ethan.

I thought I had an amazing life, I joined all the activities I could, I made variety of friends, I had gone through ups and downs and bring me who I am today, I thought I was kind of "more experienced" person compare to others.

Then I realized, how small I am, how ordinary I am.... compare to the people here...I realized my life is just about me, I did the things for myself, it was just me.

I am not really sure about this idea, but when I look at the people here, they have such amazing and fun life, full of accomplishment and contribution. They have friends for life, the bond is so strong like nothing can apart them. They have fun and meaningful weekends activities. They have good taste and good personalities.

Realizing how small my world is, how failed I am living my life, I feel empty. I was too busy living my own life, achieving my goals, getting my tasks done. Eventually neglected the things and people around me.

What is the thing that keep people together? I don't know, I don't know how people bond together. I tried to join all the gathering, join the conversation, take care of people, help them out, be nice to everyone and do the silly stuff together. But after all, I still feel that I'm so far from them. Then I give myself excuses: you don't have the same tuition with them, so you don't spend that much time together compare to others; you have so many things to be done, you don't have time just to chat and play with them; the topic they talk about is not what you interested in etc....

I do have a lot of friends, but I don't think I have a really close friend, like those you talk about anything, everything together, do things together, be there for each others when you need each others, know what you think what you want. I tried to be this kind of friend to others, but I couldn't get the same thing back. I wonder... Even the "brothers" not so brother after all.

What's the problem? I wonder...

For now, the question is, how to top-up my value, how to be a better me.
I believe I will figure it out.

Love always,
Yi Han
17 May 2015